cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
