It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
