i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
