my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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