I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I want her autograph on my taint
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
