Apparently you make a good broom.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it hurts more in the daytime
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
