Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
time to smoke my breakfast
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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