Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
