My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
