six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
