I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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