Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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