Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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