I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I wish I only lived at night.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
