piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
