The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Houston, we have a blender
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
