I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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