Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Is Oprah even human
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
