My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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