He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Congratulations! We have a period
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
