the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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