dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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