Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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