Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
