My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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