i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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