put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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