took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She even gives head with a lisp.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
