from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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