I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
