i don't like sucking hair
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
