I just saw a hot homeless man
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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