My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Pants are for mortals
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
