remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
