I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
His nipple licking is glorious
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