You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
