On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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