She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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