Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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