if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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