did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
