his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My vagina is very pro this idea
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
