Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
