oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Welp...herpes.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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