My balls are so social today.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
