Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
