Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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