Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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