god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
