at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
